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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23251312">From Kathryn Janeway...To...Kathryn Janeway</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katlady2000/pseuds/Katlady2000'>Katlady2000</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Voyager</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 03:02:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,389</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23251312</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katlady2000/pseuds/Katlady2000</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kathryn receives a letter from her older self. Will she act on it before it's too late?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>From Kathryn Janeway...To...Kathryn Janeway</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Entered in Picnic Prose 2004. </p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Home. 
Whatever that means.  Earth?  Indiana?  Starfleet? 
Mom and Phoebe?  Voyager…?  That was home and I didn't
even know it.  What's the old saying?  Something about
things or friendship being like the sun and how you never miss it
until it's gone.  Yes.  That's it.  How true. 
</p>
<p>My
favourite tree.  Familiar and strange all at the same time. 
Sitting here with the hot sun making patterns on my dress through the
leaves.  Scents so familiar and long forgotten surround me. 
</p>
<p>I
can see the house from here, bits and pieces, like a half-completed
jigsaw puzzle.  Mom is singing in harmony with the birds and
bees although she's unaware of it.  And I smile.  This is
home too, although it's home from my past.  My future home
remains a mystery. 
</p>
<p>I
look down at the padd in my hands and shudder.  The words on
this padd speak to me from beyond the grave and yet… 
</p>
<p>Did
she die?  Did she exist at all?  My future self or… 
I smile slightly.  Time paradoxes.  I can almost feel the
headache coming on.  I activate the padd and read. 
</p>
<p><i>Kathryn,<br/>
How strange to write to myself.  Enough of that. 
Time is short.<br/>
I'm hoping this will reach you although
from my current location that may well be doubtful.<br/>
By
the time you receive this, if you receive it, I will be no more. 
Stop that now.  No emotions and no regrets for us.<br/>
I made
it.  The Queen lives but hopefully not for much longer, although
her death will mean my own but oh…what a noble cause.<br/>
Time. 
It's short.<br/>
I need to tell you this.  You've
encountered this evil before so I don't need to paint too detailed
a picture.  I just know you haven't learned from it.  We
both saw the Queen for the evil she is but we connect her only with
the Borg, the hive mind, the drones.<br/>
Kathryn, I want you to
think about this.  Think carefully and learn from it.  You
and me – we're one.  Past and future, but one.  And now
I know that we're more like the Borg Queen than we'd ever want to
believe.  Does that shock you?  I hope so.  Think
about what you've become.  Think about what I became. 
One being.  Head of a collective.  Single minded and tunnel
visioned in our ambition on their behalf.  Sacrificing
everything for the good of that collective in order to get them home.<br/>
Think about that, Kathryn.  Sacrificing everything. 
And you know we did.  Despite what I already told you about my
life, you'll make the same mistakes.  We're more like the
Queen than we want to accept.  Denying ourselves for everyone
else, but in the end, alone.  Always alone.  Do you know
how lonely you can be in a crowded room?<br/>
What are you doing
while you're reading this?  Still on Voyager?  I pray
not.  If my prayers have been answered – yes, I became more
spiritual in my old age – then you're home.  Of course, home
will be Indiana with Mom and you're still alone.  Am I right?<br/>
Kathryn, the only thing I can give you is my fervent hope that
you learn from these words.  You, we, choose a very lonely and
sad existence.  I can't change anything now but you can.<br/>
Go
to him.  Do whatever it takes.  Claim him.  God, rape
him if you need to but make him understand how much you love him
because I know he loves you too.  Just don't waste another
minute.<br/>
That's it.  My words from beyond or wherever.<br/>
I
can hear her coming back and our destiny awaits us.<br/>
Kathryn,
please…live for us both.  Erase my mistakes.<br/>
God bless
and live long and prosper.  Find love with Chakotay for us both.<br/>
Kathryn. </i>
</p>
<p>I
lean my head back against the bark, well aware of the tears which
stream from my eyes.  I whisper on the breeze to her. 
</p>
<p>"Thank
you…the sacrifice you made for us all."  And then I can
almost hear her reply.  "Don't let us down…  Go to
him."  
</p>
<p>I
quickly wipe at my face and push my hair back.  I slip the padd
into the pocket of my dress and with practiced ease but a little less
speed and agility than my youth, I climb down from my tree.  I
run for the house, seeing Mom look up in alarm.  She calls to
me. 
</p>
<p>"Katie? 
What's wrong?"  I skid onto the porch and stop just long
enough for a cryptic explanation. 
</p>
<p>"Nothing…I
hope.  If I'm not too late…  She told me and I'm
finally listening…"  Mom frowns for a moment but in her eyes
I quickly see her answer her own question. 
</p>
<p>"I
think I understand the 'not too late' part.  I'm sure
you'll explain the rest if and when you want to…"  I nod
quickly and lean over to her, kissing her tenderly on the cheek. 
</p>
<p>"Mom,
I love you.  You're the best Mom anyone could have had. 
I should have told you that more…"  I see her old eyes fill
with tears. 
</p>
<p>"Oh
honey.  You've told me that every time you look at me…every
card and gift…"  She sniffs softly.  "It's still
lovely to hear it though."  She stands a little straighter. 
"Now, go get ready.  Go to him."  Her words echo those
of my older self.  I nod eagerly. 
</p>
<p>"Wish
me luck, Mom." </p>
<p> She
smiles lovingly at me and then waves away my concerns.  "He'd
need to be brain dead to resist you.  I met him remember? 
I saw how he looked at you.  A mother knows these things. 
Now go…"  I don't need to be told a second time. 
</p><hr/>
<p>An
hour later I'm standing outside his apartment, my earlier
confidence beginning to desert me, replaced by doubts and fears. 
I raise my hand to knock and then drop it.  I curse my own
hesitancy and turn away a moment.  My hand goes to my pocket,
feeling the padd still there and I turn back.  As I raise my
hand a second time, the door opens and I fall forward. 
</p>
<p>Chakotay
catches me and breaks my fall.  I look up into his face and
panic all over again.  Words desert me. 
</p>
<p>"Chakotay…I…" 
I know my mouth is opening and closing like a fish.  'Not a
very attractive start, Kathryn'.  He eases me back and looks
down at me. 
</p>
<p>"I
wasn't expecting to see you…"  Oh God.  He has
someone with him.  I'm too late.  I look down at my hands
and mumble an apology. 
</p>
<p>"I'm
sorry.  I should have called first.  I'm disturbing
you…"  I turn to leave but his hand on my arm stops me. 
</p>
<p>"You're
not disturbing me.  I'm delighted to see you…just
surprised."  He's still staring at me and I actually blush,
something I haven't done since girlhood.  He smiles now,
amused at my embarrassment but not mocking me.  "Kathryn…?"

</p>
<p>Suddenly
I spur myself into action, drawing on the only part of the captain
I'll allow into my life now.  I push past him and into the
living room.  I turn to face him and watch as he closes the door
behind us.  He stands and waits, instinctively knowing to let me
speak.  I reach into my pocket and pull out the padd. 
</p>
<p>"Please
read this."  I hand it to him and he takes it.  
</p>
<p>He
activates it and I see his shock.  "From the Admiral?  Where
did you get this?"  
</p>
<p>"She
somehow managed to send it to me.  I don't know how she got it
out.  It was waiting for me on my terminal when we returned to
Earth."  
</p>
<p>He
nods slowly.  "That must have been very risky but she was an
extremely resourceful and intelligent woman.  If anyone could
have found a way…"  He crosses to a sofa and sits, glancing
at me once before beginning to read. 
</p>
<p>It
takes everything in me to stop myself from pacing as he reads. 
It's a long-ingrained habit I badly need to break.  I can't
take my eyes off him and I know he senses my stare but he continues
reading.  Finally, he finishes and I hear him sigh deeply but I
can't see his eyes to read them.</p>
<p>"From
Kathryn Janeway…to…Kathryn Janeway.  Harry would be amused…"

</p>
<p>He
looks up at me slowly and I freeze.  Somehow, I imagined he'd
smile or laugh at least or better still jump up and hug me to him. 
Instead he just stares at me for the longest time as I feel myself
crumble inside.  Just as I'm about to flee, he speaks. 
</p>
<p>"You
may resent this question…perhaps even hate me for it, but I have to
ask."  I nod slowly, tacitly giving him permission.  He
takes a moment, perhaps rehearsing the words in his mind.  He
takes a deep breath. 
</p>
<p>"Kathryn…do
you love me?"  I open my mouth to finally speak those three
little words but he continues.  "I mean, are you here because
you love me or because you're terrified of being alone for the rest
of your life?  You bring me this…"  He holds up the
padd.  "You bring me this warning from your future self… 
Had you never received this, would you still be here now?"  I
stare at him for a moment then close my eyes.  I draw in a deep
breath, hoping to gain some strength or mental courage from it. 
When I open my eyes again, he's still staring at me. 
</p>
<p>"Chakotay,
I know how this looks.  I must come across as a desperate,
middle-aged woman, petrified of being alone in her old age…terrified
of becoming the older self I came to know.  You've every right
to ask me this."  I sigh and sit down in a chair facing him. 
</p>
<p>"The
contents of that padd are the reason I'm here right now.  I
read the message only this morning but Mom and Phoebe were there with
my nieces.  I read it again this afternoon on my own and it
terrified me.  Oh, not for the reasons you think."  I
shake my head.  "Am I afraid of a lonely old age?  No…not
afraid.  I would dread it but if that's to be my lot in life,
I'll have to accept it.  Could I accept life without you?" 
I sigh deeply.  "That does terrify me."  I sit
forward.  His eyes never leave my face and he hasn't moved a
muscle. 
</p>
<p>"I
would have come to you but it would have taken longer.  Why? 
Because I'm a damn coward where my heart is concerned and you know
that.  I almost fled before I even knocked on your door
earlier."  I stand now, the lure of pacing impossible to
resist. 
</p>
<p>"I
had so many fears when we got back but the debriefings took over for
a while.  Once that was out of the way, I was left alone with
those fears.  Were you with someone else?  Did you still
love me?  Would you still want me?  Had I left it too
late?  I fumbled around, trying to work up the courage to come
and see you, praying that you might come to me even, terrified that
you would and I'd mess it up."  I'm wringing my hands now.

</p>
<p>"I
read her words this afternoon and it was the kick in the backside
that I needed."  I laugh.  "My older self.  I
think I saw my mother in her and she terrified me.  She was
right though.  I had…we had…become like the Queen.  I
became like Ransom once too but you brought me back from that…even
though I fought you."  I stop pacing a moment and the silence
in the room eats at me.  I start again.  
</p>
<p>"I
don't know why I couldn't just say this to you before but… 
I mean there was Seven and the possibility that the two of you
were…maybe still are and…  For so long I only saw the crew… 
Oh, I know they needed looking after but they didn't need their
hands held all the time.  Maybe I just needed to feel needed but
in doing that, I lost myself."  I sigh deeply.  "Well,
my chicks have flown the nest and I have to let them go.  It's
time for me now and I pray for us…if you'll have me…" 
Suddenly my courage deserts me as my doubts and fears begin to crowd
in on me again.  I look at him, so afraid of what I'll see. 
I still can't read his eyes and the last vestige of courage leaves
me. 
</p>
<p>"I
made a mistake.  It's too late and you've moved on and…" 
I turn and almost run for the door.  The padd…I have to have
it.  I turn back to snatch it from his hand and collide with a
brick wall.  Once again, he grabs me to stop me from falling. 
I look up into his eyes. 
</p>
<p>"I
haven't moved on.  Now…one last time, Kathryn.  Do you
love me?"  
</p>
<p>I don't think.  I just
answer.  "I love you.  I loved you from almost the first
moment I saw you.  I loved you long before I ever thought about
being alone for the rest of my life.  I loved you when I was
still in love with another man…engaged to be married to him and
believed I would get back home to him, knowing I loved another. 
I loved you when I had no right to love you…"  Any further
words are cut off as he pulls me to him and his mouth covers mine in
a bruising kiss.  I surrender to it, glorying in the strength
and power of it.  Everything else flees my mind as I moan deeply
in the back of my throat and cling to him like a drowning woman. 
</p><hr/>
<p>Hours
later, lying beside him, my head on his chest, I listen to the steady
beating of his heart.  His hand strokes my arm and he chuckles. 
</p>
<p>"Rape
me…huh?"  
</p>
<p>I
smile.  "You put up some fight."  
</p>
<p>Silence
follows for several moments. 
</p>
<p>"Kathryn…?" 
I can't move and don't want to.  "I love you too…" 

</p>
<p>I
snuggle closer to him and I know now.  I know where home is. 
Home is where the heart is and for me, that's right here in his
arms.  Now I'm home. 
</p>
<p> THE END.</p>
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